Thursday, October 31, 2013

I love form letters

March 6, 2012

I had been kicking around the idea of a form letter for a while.  This one was just a lot of fun.  Plus I was able to recycle it for the other kid.  And with my wife....

Good luck and godspeed!

February 23, 2012

The first year, we got a lot of fun feedback from Sophie's kindergarten teacher.  Since then, none of the teachers have really remarked on these notes.  We are always wondering if they think I'm a crackpot or if they actually enjoy them. 

This is one of my favorites.  I enjoy being able to put a theme to a note and this one definitely succeeded. 

The Mondays

February 7, 2012

On the 6th, I sent Sophie back to school and then had to keep Devlin home.  He was a trooper, though.  He had a good excuse to stay home longer, but he didn't want to miss any more school.  I suspect that will not last...

Spaceman Spiff

February 6, 2012

This is where we were introduced to the recurring theme of "one kid recovers as the other falls ill."  As usual, Sophie was the first to fall and stayed home sick.  You can always tell when a kid is actually sick as they will plant themselves in one spot and not move all day.  Apparently I was reading Calvin and Hobbes somewhere around then, because this note is definitely inspired by it. 

And to all a Good [blerg!]

December 19, 2011

Thank goodness we didn't travel that Xmas.  Both kids caught something and the vomit flowed in rivers.  I believe I spent a lot of time in the bedroom.  Doing important things.  Totally not hiding.  No, really.  Yeah, what do you know?

Sophie had it first and, of course, recovered just in time to go back to school before Xmas break.  Devlin showed his love by not getting sick until school was out, thus sparing me from having to write a note. 

Nothing to see here, move along

November 28-December 1, 2011

When the kids get sick, I will either duck it completely or they will mutate it into a quantum hybrid supervirus tailored specifically to my DNA.  I still occasionally check for hidden biolabs under their beds or in their closets, but have not found anything conclusive.  In late November, my son Devlin was sick and home for an entire week.  By the time he went back to school, I was ready to move into a plastic tent with people in biohazard suits sticking me with needles.  Sophie caught it too, but she had the unmutated version and bounced right back.  Needless to say, I didn't write either note.  Our friends knew I spent that week praying for death.  I still got a lot of grief for not writing those notes.  If it happens again, I fear they will form a mob with torches and pitchforks.

Dr. Daddy™

September 23, 2011

I'm always amazed how quickly into the school year Sophie will get sick, even knowing that elementary schools are one big petri dish.  This sickness was especially worrisome, though.  I now had two children in school.  I had no idea how I was going to be able to keep up with the notes.

This is also the second note that mentions the show House, M.D.  You can probably tell I was a big fan.  I had to force myself not to mention it again.

Also, I forgot Rocking Pneumonia, Boogie Woogie Flu and Jungle Fever.  And Swine Flu, Bird Flu, Unicorn Flu, the list goes on and on....

Little Red Hoodie

April 21, 2011

Normally, when the kids get sick, it's pretty minor and my biggest worry is what I'm going to do for the sick note.  This was 2 1/2 years ago and I can still vividly remember looking at Sophie on the couch as she started panting in her sleep.  You truly do not understand fear until you have kids.  Luckily, the wonderful nurse practitioners who take frantic calls from parents are very understanding.  The one upside is that I had a full three days to write this. 

Jackson Pollock

February 16, 2011

Between ridiculous amounts of snow (without a working snow blower) and Sophie getting sick every two weeks, I was getting desperate for ideas.  Luckily, as you will see in the note, the manner in which she let us know she was sick provided all the inspiration I needed.  This is still one of my favorite sick notes.  Also, I misspelled Jackson Pollock's name.  Incidentally, if you don't know who that is, he was a painter they nicknamed Jack the Dripper.

Also, I need to pay tribute to my wife.  I am very bad with vomit.  I will run away when my kids are throwing up.  This is almost a phobia for me and my wife is absolutely a saint for understanding this and doing the vast majority of cleanup when the kids get sick.  

A Note in Rhyme

February 4, 2011

This absence was so close behind the last one I felt a bit cheated.  I racked my brain, but nothing came to mind.  Finally, I decided on the highest form of poetry, the limerick.  This note also spawned an interesting debate on whether I was legitimately eccentric or just weird.  The jury is still out on that one...

The Trap Closes Around Me

January 18, 2011

When Sophie was out sick the second time in kindergarten, my wife casually mentioned this to a couple friends.  Both asked if I was going to write a funny sick note.  Sure, what can it hurt, I thought, in a moment of naivete.  The response on Facebook for my wife's posting was much bigger than the last one.  I suddenly realized that this had become a "thing."  If I ever failed to write another humorous sick note, I would now let down legions of our friends and get eternal grief.  The shackles had truly closed. 

In case you can't read my handwriting:

Lord Rutz,

I most humbly beg forgiveness that Squire Sophia missed her knightly training.  After the Harvest she was forced to defend our homeland and demesne from the evil brigand known only as "Fever."  As she has shown great Honor and Fortitude in her struggles, I trust you will allow her to resume her studies.  If the three fatted calves I have sent along are not suitable tithe, please so inform me.

Humble Regards,
Lord Hawkins of Timberline

How it began

November 4, 2010

For kindergarten, my daughter (oldest child) had a very funny and very laid back teacher.  When she was sick for the first time, my wife told me I needed to write her a sick note.  This really startled me.  Sure, maybe I was technically old enough to be writing a sick note, but I still felt like I was doing something wrong.  Sick notes were always the official document that got you past the border guards and back into the gulag.  If I was writing one, then I had become part of the machinery!  That means I'm OLD!  So, I had a lot of trouble taking it seriously.  Also, I kept flashing back to old reruns of Welcome Back Kotter and the kid, Epstein, who always brought notes to the teacher signed, "Epstein's Mother." 

After I wrote this, my lovely wife officially doomed me for the rest of my children's school career by posting it to Facebook.  I believe it was the most comments she had gotten on a post up to that point.